A lot happened in these last three months. It was a shift in perspective, and I now see life a lot different than I did before. It’s as if a new door opened up for me. As soon as I saw it, I started running.
Forest Gump: That day, for no particular reason, I decided to go for a little run.
Those months — March, April, and May of 2019, that little season — I decided to go for a little run. I went on adventures daily. Running to anything that made me uncomfortable.
Forest: I had a lot of company.
I just kept running. Every day, with whoever wanted to join me, for months…and it was one of the best runs of my life. I became more transparent, more social on social, and used this little season to share all the things that kept me on fire. When the season started, when I was at my lowest, and had just started running, I would say a simple prayer: “Don’t let my pain go to waste”. Me bringing company along was that prayer being answered.
Forest: My momma always said, ‘You got to put the past behind you…before you can move on.’ And I think that’s what my running was all about.
I can remember the first moment, months ago, when I started running. All the way up until now. I don’t even feel like the same person anymore. I feel like my heart, mind and soul have been upgraded to a much stronger, happier, and loving version of itself. It took me putting the past behind me, and letting go of things that I’ve been holding onto for years, to finally break free from toxic cycles that were hindering me. It took me bringing my weaknesses to light, and finally turning those weaknesses into my strengths. ‘I think that’s what my running was all about.’
Crowd: “Wait, he’s gonna say something.”
Forest: I’m pretty tired. Think I’ll go home now.
Organically, that fire started to fade. All that momentum from running for months finally slowed down, and I became tired. It was about 10 days ago when I felt this. Probably on May 23rd, when I turned 33, and I started to look ahead at the year and my future self. It all felt like closure. My vacation in Texas was a few days away from coming to an end, and I knew that I’d leave this season behind on June 1st. That gave me a little over a week to wrap up all the projects I wanted to fit into this season. The mission is now complete. ‘I’m pretty tired. Think I’ll go home now.’
Imagine everything gets wiped. You inherit no tasks or responsibilities from your past or present. Then, add back only what you miss. Choose what to add to a blank slate, not what to keep from a full plate.
In less than a week, I’ve recorded a new album. […] This is a story about all of us. A story about mental health. About climbing mountains. About getting knocked down and rising up again and again.
Here’s the first glimpse into the new album. This song, which is called The Wave of Life, features six different people collaborating in a variety of ways. The song is about friendships and relationships. It’s about overcoming adversity and finding joy and gratitude no matter what. It’s about breaking away from the norm and living every day uncomfortable. It’s about forgiveness and making peace with the people from your past. It’s about celebrating life, and remembering those who have finished their wave of life. This is from my upcoming album, The Illusion of Progress. It’s almost done. I hope you like it.
Here’s the second look into the new album. This song is called Find Ourselves. It’s about being lost and hurting, in a world that struggles to identify and help those people. These people usually look just like us. Most likely, they are us. But the world moves on, as if we’re all doing fine. “I just wanna be ok. That’s a prayer by itself.” Those are my favorite lyrics that I wrote for this song. It’s so simple, but it means so much. Our prayers don’t need to be extravagant. “I just wanna be ok.”
Imagine a train in the far distance. You can’t see it, but you can slowly hear it coming. That train is my thoughts, my breath, my heartbeat, my anxiety. As I’m in a deep sleep, I can hear the train’s low howling as it approaches. It isn’t until it draws closer to me at a rapid speed, that I suddenly wake up, gasping for air like I was underwater. With heavy breathing, I become conscious to the world.
I open my eyes, sit up, reach over to take my depression medicine, my anxiety medicine, and then I tell Siri to play worship music. I then start writing what I’m currently thankful for, pickup the book that I’m currently reading, and slowly, the train has passed, my heart has calmed, and the soothing songs continue to whisper to me. This all happens in a ten minute timespan, and now, all is well again.
The train has passed, and as I reflect on how my morning went from a sudden loudness to an unexplainable peace, all I can do, is be thankful.
A few months ago, I had to schedule an immediate doctor’s appointment for my anxiety. It was bad. I knew that it was beyond my control this time. I’m usually really good at calming the anxiety down on my own, but this time around, those tools just weren’t working. When I arrived for my appointment, I started telling the doctor about the symptoms, and that’s when she stopped me and said something I didn’t expect to hear.
“Your symptoms. You don’t have anxiety. You have depression.”
[…]
I won.
There’s a glitch in the system. Our path is distorted by the world’s view of what success looks like. The Illusion of Progress. Don’t let someone else’s progress dictate the pace and direction of your own. We all have our own race to run, and my race won’t look like yours. There’s too many of us that are missing out on our breakthroughs, simply because we’re imitating someone else’s path. We might even be going in the complete wrong direction, simply because it’s someone else’s route that we’re tracing. Run YOUR race. Find the glitch. It’s there.
Don’t let a bad season define you. Many of us are walking around with the baggage of yesterday, simply because of the label that season gave us. That’s not your identity.
Making progress in this new book. Very insightful. Looking for a season of growth in many areas. I want to become a better reader. A better believer. And become more selfless. And I want my site reflect all of this even more. I’ve been creating based off of my selfishness and limited knowledge alone…I can only imagine the good I can do for this world if I learn more, believe more, and help more.
Good morning. I’ve been very intentional this morning with communication. Reaching out to people that I care about. Letting them know my heart and what I’m struggling with. These steps will only help the situation. I’m ready for growth.
Currently reading a book my pastor gave me. Taking notes. Eating a snowball. Brain.fm in the background to help me focus.
Just left church. On my way to the gym. I’ll be there for a few hours. Listening to Ross’s album to warm up to. Feeling like something big is about to happen. But I also have to stay still. Don’t act or react out of emotions. That’s what always gets me in trouble. Just be still. Let God work. A lot of new books to read. Vacation coming up. Time to be Let intentional with my time.
Articulate. Words. Fix them and put them together, all the letters are weapons, infiltrate. Rambles are scrambled. I hope they penetrate. Happy Birthday, waiting for them to open up the prison gates. Until then we just sit and wait. My mind constantly gets in the way. If I clear these clouded thoughts then I could do anything.
Kettle, tea, Turtle Beach: Stealth 600, Xbox One X, No Man’s Sky, Kindle Paperwhite. My weapons for the weekend. I didn’t get enough sleep. I’ll spend these off days catching up on that, and relaxing. Excited about all of this. Just had a great conversation with my friend. I believe big things are about to happen for us. Her music is so powerful, and I hope to help her get it out there. More than anything, I feel like we’re both about to grow. It’s a season of changes. I’m ready for it.
My goal is to keep my Kindle out, reading, throughout the whole weekend. Even if it’s just small passages every few minutes. I want to build better reading habits. I have a lot of books waiting for me to read, so now’s the time to start. Fridays have become my planning days. As I map out the weekend, and the week ahead, I’ll be focused on actionable tasks that move a lot of projects along. Barely slept last night. Was conscious most of the night, with podcasts playing in the background. It’s 4 am, fixing coffee, and playing No Man’s Sky.
Just wrote 785 words about all these things going on in my mind, in a new blog post. My longest in awhile. I feel like weight has been lifted. Something so simple, a post, and gathering thoughts, bringing clarity, makes a world of difference. Just finished running the bridge nearby. Exhausted. Now time to shower and relax.
The potential is there. I see what I need to do. I see what’s holding me back. I’m clinging on to deadweight. That deadweight doesn’t define me, but its attachment to my identity causes me to forget that. We lose ourselves in all of these things. Forgetting what makes us, us. I feel myself rising again. I feel my purpose and energy resurfacing. These things won’t keep me down. I have too much to live for. This is bigger than me. I’m ready for it.
Brain.fm is a life changer for me. Currently listening to Relax/Destress. This app is worth every penny. It’s already Thursday. A week away from vacation.
Home from work. Big night ahead of me. Doubt I’ll get much sleep tonight. Hot tea. A good lunch. Yoga tonight. Spent my lunch hour in No Man’s Sky. The rain was so relaxing, I didn’t want to leave. Just shared something vary transparent and vulnerable. Bringing it to the light is important to me. It’s my way of working through it. Paperwork everywhere. Busy day at work. Scheduling appointments. Staying busy. The update to No Man’s Sky is here. This will keep me busy for the week. A lot of moving parts right now. I hope to go sit at the cafe and journal and clear my mind. I need to process everything that’s happening.
Good morning. The canvas is now live. Look above. “Share your thoughts here.” That’s a box for you to always write to me, and if you have a blog post or something you want to live on my site, that’s your space to create. This is something me and Jay have been working on for almost a year now, brainstorming on. To make the site a place for everyone to share something. It’s a contact form/idea box/or whatever else you want it to be. Let’s go.
Basketball. Studio sessions. Big meeting in the morning. Lots of things happening.
Just had an hour long conversation with someone who plays the flute. She’s REALLY good. Hoping to get her on the new album.
Hoping this area will become a scratchpad, a journal, and what I’m up to now. It’ll be the one place to scribble thoughts down and figure things out as I go through my day.
Let me tell you a story. This is a story about where I see myself a year from now. These are my short-term goals and dreams. I’ll be living in a shipping container, almost directly in between the two places I’ll be at every day (three places if you count the container). The land that this container will be on is my childhood property where I grew up on a trailer. That’s where I’ll live. In one direction, 15 minutes away is the basketball gym (Wellness Center) that I’ll spend my afternoons at. The other direction has my office where I work during the day. I’ll travel to each one of these by bike, a Honda Grom to be specific. Church would count as the fourth place I’ll travel to, which is very close to where the container will be. This will be my life a year from now. I’m currently taking every step I need to make this a reality.
A lot has changed in the last few weeks. Changes aren’t always easy, they test you and shake up your foundation. Consider them setbacks. Your stability starts to change a bit, and you have to rethink what’s concrete and what’s meant to not be there anymore. Yesterday, I had a lot of conversations with people about certain things that I’m dealing with. I was able to receive so much help and comfort. I received books to read, advice on what to do next. The amount of people that had my back was refreshing.
Been spending the last few days recording and building out ideas for a new album. Working on understanding the concept of where I want to take this next one. I want it to have a bigger sound than usual.
Coffee, honey bun, office work. It’s gonna be a good week.
Baby Driver.
At the park. Getting a workout. Filling the activity rings on the Watch. Sweat every day. Lost 10 pounds in a week by doing this. Trying to stay sharp with my mind and my body. It’s keeping me focused on the big picture.
Currently in a studio session. It’s getting good.
Today, I took leaps of faith and spoke out on things that were holding me back. Bringing it to light changes things. Words have power. Community has power. So much power today. Thank you.
Church service. Coffee serving. Done in the cafe. Time to pray. Processing thoughts. Communicating. Process of elimination. Removing the toxins.
An hour long conversation with a friend just changed my entire weekend. It’s amazing how that works. Find people that can speak life into you. I needed that. I needed that reminder. I’m excited about the rest of this weekend and where this friendship will lead us. So thankful.
It’s a changing of the seasons. I’m looking around me and creating new outlets for my energy. Running daily. Yoga yesterday. New cafes to write. An Xbox One X to play games again. Recording a new album with auto-tune this weekend. Things just feel fresh around me. Heartbreak combined with seasons changing. I’ll be getting my street bike soon. Life is just transforming constantly. I’m ready for it. Listening to Bon Iver album. Been waiting awhile for this one. It’s been a roller coaster week. So many ups and downs. At least it’s Friday. Lots to do this weekend.
I’ll be doing yoga tonight. This should be interesting. Keep switching things up and trying new things in life. Hope it goes well.
One of my biggest challenges this month is to consistently run every day. We’re on day 8 and I haven’t missed a day yet. This streak is really exciting.
There’s a couple books I’m currently reading. One is how to be more selfless. I create so many things, but a lot of the times, they’re created by me, for me. I want to change that, and use my talents to help others more. And in my personal life, I want to be there for others more. I have work to do.
I ran home for lunch. 15 minutes there. 15 minutes back. It’s my little life hack to fill my activity rings on the Apple Watch. That way when I leave work for the day, I’m done. Plus it changes things up and breaks my day into another layer. I get back from lunch feeling exhausted from the run, but refreshed with energy to finish the day off strong.
Good morning. Thursday already. Currently watching No Man’s Sky trailer and drinking coffee. Planning day out, and organizing all of my notes from yesterday. One more day until the weekend. Much needed. New music is on the way. New podcast. More Xbox gaming. A have a lot of catching up to do.
I have plans soon, to expand the shop section of my site. It’s been in the works for awhile now, but is finally about to happen. Real, leather, physical products. A family business. Stay tuned for that, and so much more. So many plans are finally falling into place. It’s exiting to see.
A journal of thoughts. These are the words from my heart. Working the cursor, it blinks back, inertia through dark. Immersive with wordplay, as I’m hurting, converting urgency into what I purposely want. How’s that working? Off and on. I prefer when it’s off. Uphill climbing. The incline, it hurts when I walk. I’ll figure it out.
Today was full of layers. It’s complicated. Things happened that I’ve been waiting for for a long time. I’m excited about what it’ll do for my future. I’m excited about what was seen. All I want is an opportunity to succeed, and today helps with that. I have a chance to truly make an impact now. One day at a time. Stay focused. Be myself. Stay hungry. Do the best that I can do. I have a book I need to read. It’s important for my future. I have a new album I need to make. I don’t have a single word for it yet. But I have the perspective for it. I know which direction I want to take. And that’s all I need. Give me the direction, the rest happens instantly.
Big day. Hoping for many changes to happen after this morning’s meeting. A lot of traveling coming up. Good morning. One thing ends, another one begins. Life is in cycles. Feeling much better. I’ve been productive all day, and my mood is back positive. I think it all changed when I decided to run home for lunch instead of drive. Tomorrow will be a big day. But tonight, No Man’s Sky.
These last two days have been a test for me. With patience and my anxiety. I failed that test. But today is a new day. Monday blues. A lot on my mind today. A lot to process. A lot of planning. Big week for work and creative projects. Last night, there was a lot of changes made that’ll set me up for the future. Excited and nervous about those changes. My heart is big. And sometimes that gets me in trouble. Because I overcommit and care about things way more than I should. That’s the gift and curse of being an artist. I’m pressing into those emotions and expecting big things out of it.
Church. Gym. Basketball.
Got an Xbox One X last night. Let it download games overnight. Now I’ll spend the day playing. I’ll still have to go run sometime today, to continue my streak of August: fill all three rings on Apple Watch.
Good morning. Building journal into the site so it’s always updated here. Plan on doing a quick journal every morning. Running on fumes from lack of sleep last night. Too much coffee and watching Big Little Lies. TGIF. Listening to Freddie Gibbs - Bandana. Almost time for lunch. Productive weekend ahead. Keep evolving. Spent the last two months trying to not create and just relax. This month though, I’ll be focused on building as much as possible. Explore. Observe. Obsess. Create.
It’s August already. I have a lot planned for this month. I have a feeling this could be a big month for me if I put all my skills and habits into practice.