Everything that I thought I beat has returned. It didn’t happen overnight. It slowly crept back in. I wrote about the tough season I was in a few months ago, and how that chapter had closed for me. Well, it’s back again. The medication has returned. The therapist appointments are scheduled. My heart is racing all day, and my throat is swollen from anxiety. My mind is clouded and overthinking constantly. No matter the amount of medication I take, I can’t beat it. The doctor upped my dosage to help, but I’m being very careful and resisting this as much as possible.
Just like last time, this season will pass. But it doesn’t pass on its own. It takes a lot of effort. It takes the people around me to be there for me, even when they don’t truly understand. I barely understand it myself. I just know that I’m not myself right now. These symptoms have always played a part in my life, but I just chalked it up as my identity, and never looked for the proper help. Now I know better. I’m not sure how long I’ll be like this, hopefully it goes away soon, like last time, because I have too many things I’m working on to have this slow me down. Until then, I’ll use my creativity, my community, my therapist, and my medicine to help me through the process.
My favorite line on the entire album that I made, is so simple, but means everything to me:
I just wanna be ok. That’s a prayer by itself.