Recovering From My Husband’s Depression, PTSD, and Suicide, by Michelle Eschete
Nash’s Note: Introducing this guest post is one of hardest ones I’ve had to do. There’s not many words I’m able to find that’ll properly welcome you here, so I’ll keep it simple. Michelle is someone I’ve known for about two years now, and her story is one that continues to break my heart each time I think about it. Last October, she lost her husband to suicide. The fact that she has the strength to even share this testimony with us is so powerful. I’m beyond thankful.
Recovering From My Husband’s Depression, PTSD, and Suicide
After struggling with the realization of losing my husband to suicide, I needed to do something to deal with the heartache; the loss. I joined a faith based group called Enjoy Recovery. This is a twelve-step program that aids in helping with a variety of life issues including addiction, abuse and an assortment of anxieties, obsessions, and fear. I had to try something. At the end of the session, some of the members were given the opportunity to give a testimony of their journey. This is what I shared with the members and their loved ones on graduation night.
My husband suffered with severe depression and PTSD for several years.
On Thursday, October 25, 2018, my life, my whole world stopped. The thousands of beautiful happy memorable pieces that made up the picture on the puzzle box cover like a family photo album had been suddenly and violently scattered, ripped up, lost and soaked up in tears and blood beyond any recognition. This April 25th will be six months since my husband took his life. There are so many various aspects that surround this incident, but I am not here to give you these details.
Initially, my thoughts were “I have messed up my life so much, I was being punished.” And “How can God let this happen?” There were many questions and thoughts racing through my mind. I was lost, hurt, confused, and mad. We held a memorial service for my husband for friends and family. After everyone flew back home, I was left struggling to figure things out — but the more time I spent doing this, the more depressed I became. I wanted time to stop and the world to pause, because I wanted/needed to mourn. I had just lost the other half of me; my best friend. I knew that I could not stay stuck where I was. I made the decision to get some help and also join E.R. At first, I wrestled with the reasoning behind joining. I questioned everything. I mostly wanted to know, “How was I supposed to give my broken heart to God?”
I continued doing the steps and even paraphrasing the chapters into my own words as a way to grasp a better understanding. I would like to tell you that all of the questions surrounding the “why” have been answered. I would also like to tell you that I’ve gotten through everything and that is why I am here today giving my testimony, but the real truth is that every day is still a big struggle, and sometimes, I feel like I don’t even want to get out of bed.
About half way through our steps, I stumbled across the revelation that I was still mad at God and harboring animosity. I felt hopeless. Nothing in my life was ever going to work again. I was still working the steps and coming to class. I had no clue what my life was supposed to look like. My days were quiet and empty and my nights were long and lonely. I was so mad at God. I felt like He could have stopped this tragedy from happening. My grief counselor suggested that I try to envision God in the middle of all the events of that night. As hard as I tried, there was no sign of him. No sign of him in my pleas to my husband, begging him to stay with me. He was not in our bedroom when my husband picked up the gun and loaded the chamber. He was not there to give me the strength to pry the gun from my husband’s grasp. I didn’t see him there as I knelt over my husband’s body even though I cried out to him over and over. I had never felt so alone.
Realizing all of this enabled me to begin searching. My prayer time, worship and devotional time became intentional daily. I moved from questioning “Why me?, Why my family?” to “Where were you God?” — I was at the point of wanting to hear God’s answer. I was past the point of hearing well-meaning people console me with, “Your husband is no longer suffering.” This only left me feeling as if it was my turn to suffer.
Joining E.R. allowed me to not only meet new people but also allowing them in whereas before I wanted to just be stuck in my own broken-heartedness. I didn’t want to share my grief. I believed that no one really wanted to get to know me; no one wanted anything to do with my sadness. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Once I realized I needed to open up, the friendship and love poured out to me and have truly helped me and have had a huge impact on me and my daily life. Because of the friendships and the love, I now feel I still have some living to do. Getting through this program in order to honor God with my life is just one hurdle I’ve overcome during an unbelievably unbearable time, but choosing daily to live and live with a purpose is the main objective. The loss that I’ve endured is not something I can overcome and leave behind. It will stay with me as I move forward. Choosing to move forward productively following God’s will is just one answer given to me in my journey.
The last answer came during a First Thursday service in our church. During one of my most precious time spent with God, He helped me to see that he is always with me. As I kneel in the middle of worship at the altar, my eyes closed. I feel warmth on my shoulders — I am back in my bedroom on that night in October, kneeling. My husband is there lying on the floor. There’s no blood. My eyes are open. I see no blood, just my dear sweet husband as I am kneeling over him as I was that October night. There is a warm, glowing light, shining over us. My God is there. He is there to take my husband home.
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The Thankful Project
What are three things you’re thankful for today?
September 19, 2019
- The time I’ve been able to spend with my godchild.
- A new game on my phone, called Mini Motorways.
- Thankful for the new toys I’ll be getting tomorrow.
September 18, 2019
- My leadership class last night.
- My therapy this morning.
- The books I continue to read, and the fact that I’m excited to read again.
September 17, 2019
- My time with Chase yesterday.
- My time with Stu, JP, and Chip last night.
- Getting to take Jason and Sariyah to Toddler Time at the Library.
September 16, 2019
- Woke up a little early this morning, to plan and listen to things that motivate me.
- Thankful for my clarity this morning
- Thankful for my job and my game plan today with the training I received last week.
September 15, 2019
- Spent time with a friend last night. Much needed.
- My amazing time at Cross Church today.
- My time spent at Kip’s house, watching the football game.
September 14, 2019
- My time walking to the coffee shop this morning, my time with friends there, and then my time creating.
- My time reading this book this past hour. I’m so at peace and completely focused on the Kindle.
- My coffee meeting at 6 with my friend Rocky.
September 13, 2019
- I woke up and ordered the iPhone 11 Pro (military green). My phone is passing down to my little sister. Her phone is passing down to my little brother. Thankful for that.
- Thankful for my therapy session this morning. She’s helping me with my thought process and being able to stay in the moment. It’s been so helpful already.
- My meeting with Pastor Simon at his studio. We talked about so many topics that are beneficial for my life. I look forward to connecting with him more.
September 12, 2019
- My trip and conversations with Mama Kandace (my boss).
- My meeting with Pastor Brandon this afternoon.
- This coffee because without it I’d be dead right now.
September 11, 2019
- Uber and the convenance from getting from mall to hotel, and then hotel to airport.
- Traveling back home today. Thankful for this traveling and getting to fly.
- The amount of information I gained from this travel trip. Excited to implement it.
September 10, 2019
- The photoblog I’ve been working on the last few days
- The phone call I had with Amy last night.
- My time away from home, allowing me time to find peace.
September 9, 2019
- The training that I’m getting today.
- How hard I slept last night.
- How fast today is flying by.
September 8, 2019
- The sightseeing I was able to do yesterday.
- The hotel has a gym, so I’ve been able to workout.
- How smooth my traveling was to El Paso.
September 7, 2019
- I slept so good last night. I need more nights like this. Where I wake up at four feeling refreshed.
- Today is Saturday. My only plans is church tonight. Other than that, I plan to relax at a coffee shop and write. Feeling very refreshed and inspired.
- Flying out tomorrow, to El Paso. Never been there before. I look forward to new experiences.
September 6, 2019
- It’s Friday. Today will be a short day, and then a night to relax.
- I have a doctor’s appointment today. Thankful for insurance that allows me to take care of myself.
- NBA 2K20 came out last night. Played for four hours and barely got any sleep. Feels good to play that game again. Been a few years.
September 5, 2019
- I thought I lost my hygiene bag. About $200 worth of things inside of it, including the pouch (GR1 Field Pocket). Finally found it.
- Mr. Ronnie’s donuts this morning.
- Church service tonight. Been looking forward to it all week.
September 4, 2019
- Tonight’s dinner with Joe, Linda, and Kristen. Gonna be fun.
- NBA 2K20 comes out this weekend
- My mood lately. It’s been so much better.
September 3, 2019
- Thankful to be back at work. Catching up on emails and planning the week out in Fantastical and Things.
- One of the emails gives me my itinerary for next week. Flying to El Paso. Thankful that my job allows me to travel.
- My passion for reading is rejuvenated. I have 6 different books on the Kindle right now I’m craving to finish as soon as possible. Any free minute I have, I’m reading a few paragraphs.
September 2, 2019
- Thankful for my last day off. 10 days flew by, but I’ll make sure to enjoy this last one to the fullest.
- YouTube and my Watch Later list. Things that I’ve queued up over the last few months. My favorite way to passively have something playing in the background.
- The Obstacle is the Way, a book by Ryan Holiday. Been reading this book the last few days. I’ll make a lot of progress on it today.
September 1, 2019
- My late night run to the donut shop last night.
- Church service today, and listening to my friend Joe tell his testimony on stage.
- Having lunch with Joe and Linda after church and having a deep conversation about life. I appreciate them so much.
August 31, 2019
- The local library. Did yoga here with a class, and now I’m working on some creative projects in a private room.
- September will be here tomorrow. Hopeful that it’ll be better than August. I’m expecting it to be.
- Lana Del Rey’s new album.
August 30, 2019
- My doctor’s appointment this morning.
- The ending of months and seasons. Getting fresh starts.
- Getting a paycheck even though I’ve been off for a week now.
August 29, 2019
- My Xbox that’s giving me relaxing and fun distractions for the last few days.
- My medicine that helps me stay healthy.
- Basketball lately. I haven’t played in the usual locations. I’ve felt off. But it’s helping me grow.
August 28, 2019
- My daily meal preps. Makes my life so much easier now.
- This week off. Spending time relaxing and finding peace.
- My Kindle. Reading a lot more books lately.
August 27, 2019
- My friend Haley: from Yoga to daily motivation to just being a really good friend, I’m thankful for her.
- Brain.fm and the sounds it gives me every day to calm my heart and mind.
- The system I’ve built for my possessions: like my backpack with a meticulous organization method that holds all my daily things, and my container system, for gym clothes, hats, socks, etc.
August 26, 2019
- That I’m bringing this project back. Feels like something that deserves to return.
- That I’m on vacation right now, with time to relax, recharge, and create.
- That I’m up early this morning at the coffee shop. A lot to read. A lot to write. Feeling inspired. Feeling content.
We have reached the end. The Thankful Project is now complete. 100 days in a row.
June 21, 2019
- The road trip I took yesterday with Allison.
- The handmade gray boot laces I order from Etsy this morning, made from Paracord.
- I’m thankful that The Thankful Project is complete. 100 days of being thankful. This is the end.
June 20, 2019
- The new album that was created and released this week.
- The second album cover I made for the new album. I love the colors and the fish eye view of the world.
- Starting the process with GAP insurance. So thankful that $18,000 is completely wiped from my name because of this insurance.
June 19, 2019
- The conversation I had with my supervisor yesterday.
- The inspiration I’ve had to turn extra and unused creations into their own thing.
- My daily YouTube recommendations.
The June 18, 2019
- My night at the Wellness Center playing basketball last night.
- The French bread pizza I had for dinner, and after, herbal tea.
- How hard I slept last night.
June 17, 2019
- Thankful for iOS 13/iPad OS being released today. It makes my iPad that much better.
- Thankful for tonight, going to the Wellness Center. To cancel membership, but I’ll get to play one more time before doing so.
- The song I wrote and released last night. In a two hour timeframe, I wrote, recorded, made, a video, and released it online. So thankful for that speed of creation I’m able to have.
June 16, 2019
- It’s Father’s Day. I’m so thankful for my dad and the relationship we have.
- I’m thankful for all the father figures that have bridged the gap in my life, as well as my siblings.
- I played basketball for a few hours yesterday. I’m sore, but I need to be. Thankful that I can still play at a high level.
June 15, 2019
- How lazy I’ve been able to be today.
- This park bench under this tree, by this water.
- This book I’m currently reading.
June 14, 2019
- Today makes three months since I’ve started this thankful list. I’m thankful for the longevity of this project.
- The new scale I purchased, that’s connected to my phone and shows things like body fat and BMI. All stored in Apple Health app.
- My health insurance. Free eye exams. My insurance coverage will be going away soon, so I’m so thankful for the current coverage I have. Eye exam today to get new prescription.
June 13, 2019
- Breath of the Wild. I started playing it again, on the hardest mode, with the map off. Just feeling lost in this huge world.
- For basketball. I’m back playing it a few times a week. I’d be lost without it.
- The gym bag I’ve been designing. I’ve been working on it all week to get the size just right, hopefully I’ll be done before the weekend.
June 12, 2019
- Starting to get closure on The Thankful project. Just wrote about it’s ending that’s approaching. I’m so thankful for everything this project has brought me.
- I spent the afternoon with Allison. Starbucks and shopping. It’s been nice getting to know her.
- I struggled to wake up as early as I wanted to, but I still got to Downtown Jeaux early enough for their early bird special. My favorite morning routine is now much cheaper this way.
June 11, 2019
- Just looked over all the books I’ve worked on over the last decade. So thankful that I keep chipping away at these.
- I’ll be working at a job fair today. Thankful for this opportunity.
- Watched A Star is Born last night. First time I sat down and watched a movie in awhile. Thankful for that time to relax and enjoy tv.
June 10, 2019
- Learned about the early morning special at Downtown Jeaux. 25% off order before 7am.
- For my family. I almost lost them yesterday in a bad car accident.
- Gap insurance. The wreck became a blessing in disguise.
June 9, 2019
- I got to play basketball yesterday for a couple hours. Outside. Much needed.
- The mixing I was able to do on the Guess I’m Fine song.
- The simplicity of yesterday. Everything went smooth, with hardly any plans. There was nothing being rushed.
June 8, 2019
- My friend gave me her Hulu login. Now I have another batch of shows I’ll be able to watch.
- I tried Pho last night. Brisket, noodles, and broth. Simple and delicious.
- The weather lately. Hot, but great to spend outside in the sun.
June 7, 2019
- Pastor Garlin Bilbo’s preaching last night. I Look forward to studying those notes and letting his words sink in throughout the rest of the week.
- I just made a list of everyone that contributed to the new album I’m finishing up. So thankful for how many people have their hands in this project.
- The new basketball I bought today. I get to play basketball near my house all the time now.
June 6, 2019
- The recording session I had last night. Getting close to finishing a song that has 50 different recording tracks inside of it. So many layers.
- The voice memo I received lat night that I added to that song. It filled in gaps where there was just instruments. Adds even more narrating to the song/album.
- Heather cooked dinner for me again last night. Always thankful when I get a home-cooked meal.
June 5, 2019
- The conversation I had with my friend yesterday. Helping him get past things that are holding him back
- Walking with friends around the city, filming and creating.
- Hanging out with Allison last night. Simply watching YouTube videos on the iPad. Refreshing.
June 4, 2019
- The freedom I feel when riding in my new, paid off car.
- The amount of sleep I was able to get last night.
- This coffee I’m drinking right now.
June 3, 2019
- After getting home from church, I took a long nap. And last night, I read my book before falling asleep, and slept for about 7 hours. So thankful to be well rested going into this new week.
- Today is WWDC, Apple’s big event. These days are like Christmas for me each year, seeing what new tech and features I’ll be using going forward.
- My friend Matt called me last night. We talked for about an hour, catching up on life since he moved to Missouri. Thankful for him keeping in touch with me so much even though he moved away.
June 2, 2019
- Spent the day yesterday with Kristen, at coffee shops and by the pool, building her website. It was productive and therapeutic.
- Her website is the best site I’ve built yet. I told her it’s like a greatest hits of all the cool design and features from my site.
- Had a long talk with a friend last night. Opened up about deeper things. It’s always great when that happens.
June 1, 2019
- My morning. So calm. So peaceful. By the water. Enjoying the heat. Writing.
- My new notebook arrives today. A few days earlier than expected.
- My new glow in the dark water bottle. It’s my new best friend.
May 31, 2019
- The month is over. Tomorrow brings a new month with new opportunities.
- I have a meeting with someone today about building them a website. Thankful for the opportunity.
- Brain.fm: an app that gives me sounds to focus or calm down. Currently have a dozen writing projects due today. This app has me locked in.
May 30, 2019
- The /kid project, and all the people that contributed. Reflecting and speaking to our younger selves.
- Wrapping up all the projects I’ve been working on this last week. I gave myself more than I should’ve, but I want to end this month off strong.
- The speed of this week. Tomorrow is Friday. Saturday is the first. Thankful for a weekend with no plans.
May 29, 2019
- I just made three years without drinking alcohol. I’m thankful for that decision back then.
- The recording session I had with Janea last night.
- I’m thankful for the dinner Heather cooked us last night. It was delicious.
May 28, 2019
- The runway I have with creative projects: ending the month and starting June. A lot to be thankful for there.
- The new/old car I’ll be getting this week.
- The freedom that car now gives me.
May 27, 2019
- For the new split view in Ulysses, my writing app on the iPad. Now I can work on two different writing projects at once.
- Time with my friend last night.
- My morning, spent at Starbucks writing.
May 26, 2019
- Finally slept in my bed last night.
- Back at Cross Church this morning.
- The closing of a season.
May 25, 2019
- Five hour road trip back home. Love road trips.
- My new shirts are starting to arrive at everyone’s house. Thankful for everyone who ordered one.
- Nevaeh. A week’s vacation with my little sister was the best birthday present I could’ve asked for.
May 24, 2019
- All the little gifts I was given for my birthday. So thankful.
- Someone complimented me on my handwriting last night. It inspired me to write last night’s journal with my handwriting instead of typing. Compliments can change someone’s trajectory that day. Thanks for that.
- I’m thankful for all this free time I’ve been having. To live, to spend quality time, to create, to read, to think.
May 23, 2019
- Today’s my birthday. I’m thankful for the person I am today.
- Thankful for the good news my mom called and told me yesterday.
- The quality time I spent with Skiler yesterday. This vacation has been exactly what I needed.
May 22, 2019
- I found a 24 hour gym to play basketball yesterday. Played full court for a few hours. That was the third day since I been here in Texas that I played basketball. Thankful, but done for the rest of this trip. I got my fix.
- We’re going to Houston today, me and the family. Going enjoy the day together, and I’m going meet Austin Kleon, an author that just released a new book. Really looking forward to it.
- The last two nights I was really able to catchup on my sleep. Excited about that. Also been using an app on my Watch/iPhone, called SleepWatch, that monitors my sleep. So now I can try to improve it each day and find what works for me.
May 21, 2019
- This new book I’m reading. About personal freedom. Loving every word.
- This coffee that I’m drinking. Injured my throat during basketball last night, and this coffee is helping that pain.
- The amount of projects and ideas I have in Ulysses. New ones keep popping up, so ones that I was excited about the day before, slowly fade down, but I know they’ll all be completed when it’s their time.
May 20, 2019
- All the pictures and videos that I was able to get for Sariyah’s birthday party yesterday. Captured so many great memories.
- My breakfast this morning at Panera Bread.
- The week ahead. It’s a beautiful Monday. There’s a lot of plans and free time to have a combination of focus and adventure.
May 19, 2019
- Church this morning. Went visit Celebration Church in The Woodlands. It was really nice.
- I’m thankful for the cupcake pancake at IHOP this morning.
- Today’s Sariyah’s birthday party. I’m currently watching her swim. Thankful to be here with her for her special day.
May 18, 2019
- We made it to Texas safe.
- The way Sariyah embraced me and hugged me when she saw me.
- That I woke up at 5 am and have been working on projects all morning, before anyone else wakes up.
May 17, 2019
- Tyler, The Creator’a new album, IGOR. Incredible sound.
- The meeting I had yesterday with a new friend, about building a website for them.
- Going out of town today for about two weeks. Adventure time.
May 16, 2019
- The new video project I have with Renee and Michelle for the “See You Later” song (from New Album). Excited to see what comes of the footage.
- The /engine project I’m currently working on with Jay. Building out something bigger than ourselves right now.
- The simplicity of coffee and pancakes in the morning. Breakfast can be that simple and that perfect.
May 15, 2019
- I’m thankful for this beautiful day. Sitting outside and working on a few projects from the iPad, with coffee, water, and classic rock real low in the background.
- I’m thankful for all the links I have on my site that are just one word, and I use those daily to direct people to different things. (/music, /create, /thanks, /help, etc.). So thankful that I can build these locations to send people to when discussing certain topics.
- My afternoon adventure with a friend, relaxing, coffee, and running errands together.
May 14, 2019
- Today makes exactly two months since I’ve been doing my daily thanks. Just three things each morning. Sounds easy, but doing it every day can get challenging at times. This milestone is what I’m most thankful for today.
- I’m thankful for all the conversations I had yesterday. With a lot of new people, and each one flowed effortlessly. All day, I was on fire and inspired from this.
- I did a lot of work on my new album last. I let it go for a few weeks so I could hear it with fresh ears again. I’m so thankful for how polished it’s becoming. Almost done.
May 13, 2019
- The new collaborations I have in the works. I’m branching out to new people, that are more successful than me, and sharing my work with them, offering an opportunity to collab. Each one has been excited to do so.
- The tools that I have to create. I’m thankful that whatever idea I have, I have the tools to build out that idea immediately.
- A new opportunity that presented itself yesterday that will change so many things in my life. I’m so thankful that speaking things into light allows change.
May 12, 2019
- My mom. So thankful for her being in my life. Excited to spend church with her today.
- The time I spent with Kennedy this morning. It’s fun picking and joking with each other.
- The film crew and the professional video they made for me. I just watched the finished version, and it came out great.
May 11, 2019
- My card finally came in.
- Spending the day with Brayden.
- The amount of videos that have been recorded lately with the GoPro. I look forward to editing them all down into something creative.
May 10, 2019
- Dinner and movie with a friend last night.
- A very important phone call yesterday. Changed my perspective on so many things.
- This weekend’s plans: game tonight, birthday party tomorrow, working cafe Sunday morning.
May 9, 2019
- I serve in the church cafe this Sunday with my friend Kennedy. Thankful for this opportunity, to serve and help, to be around community, and to spend time with my friend.
- A new day. Last night, my anxiety was really bad. After taking my medicine, I went to sleep knowing that when I woke up, a new day would heal me. And it did.
- I’m thankful for my mom messaging me yesterday, after lunch, letting me know she’s ok. I love her so much.
May 8, 2019
- Spending time with Janea last night.
- The conversation I had with my dad.
- The peace I have over a current situation.
May 7, 2019
- The amount of guest posts I have in the works. I’m thankful that so many people are sharing their stories with me and allowing me to share them with the world. Share your truth. It’s such an amazing thing.
- The hour long conversation I had with my friend Lindsey yesterday. She has so much wisdom. I should’ve been taking notes.
- I’m thankful for my job and the ability to help my clients. I want to keep getting better at it, and find new ways to grow, but I’m thankful for where I currently am. This is just the beginning.
May 6, 2019
- I’m thankful for yesterday. Two different churches. Lunch with friends. Shopping. Ice cream. Time at the park with my brother and the kids. Lots of sleep.
- My friend Matt is leaving. Today is his last day here before moving to Missouri. He’s been pivotal for me through this season of depression and redemption. He saw me at my lowest, and now he’s leaving with me at my highest. You meet people in life, and it doesn’t matter the amount of time you’ve known each other. You can make an impact in small windows of time. It’s so important to remember that.
- I’m thankful for Mondays. It gets a bad rap, but it’s a fresh start. Every week this happens. A blank canvas. Another week to be whatever version of yourself you want to be. I’m thankful for this opportunity. I’m expecting a big week.
May 5, 2019
- Yesterday had a couple moments that would’ve usually brought me to a dark place. This time though, I barely felt them. My coping skills have been upgraded to 2.0, and I’m thankful for that. Tough little moments dont’ affect me the way they used to.
- I’m thankful for the Rockets win last night. For how aggressive they were and how focused Chris Paul was when the ball was in his hands.
- My health has been fluctuating lately. Makes me thankful for the days when I feel healthier. I’m thankful for the days when my health is so good that I don’t even think about my health.
May 4, 2019
- My workout session this morning with a trainer. I feel sore but stronger. It’s a great feeling.
- Today’s rainy day. I love rainy days when I don’t have any plans. Just to relax at home and watch movies.
- Last night’s pizza party at the park and watching a movie with friends.
May 3, 2019
- I’m thankful for the openings and closings of relationships and seasons. One ended yesterday. Another one will end in a few days. Some new ones started a few days ago. It’s a healthy revolving door of memories. A constant flow of people and moments that transition in and out of my life. It’s a beautiful thing.
- It’s Friday. Another weekend is waiting for me, with new adventures and opportunities. I’m excited to see where these next few days take me. A combination of busy days and empty days filled with potential and space to do anything.
- I’m thankful for this new confidence that I have each day. Through each conversation I have with someone, and the way that I’m approaching situations and life as a whole, I feel a sense of purpose and vision that isn’t slowing down. I’m thankful for this clarity and understanding on the direction of my life.
May 2, 2019
- Counseling session this morning. There’s several things I need to update her on. Things that I’m excited about, and things I need help working through. That’s what it’s for. Another tool in the toolbox.
- Thursday church service tonight. It used to be called Deeper. Now it’s called First Thursday. I’ll always call it Deeper though, because that’s what it’s about. I look forward to going deeper into the word tonight.
- I released a new shirt last night. I’ve released a dozen shirts over the years, but this is the first one I’ve made for myself. “Be the light” is what the shirt says. And I’m excited to start wearing that on my chest.
May 1, 2019
- I’m thankful for a new month. A fresh start. A new perspective. Each month we get a “First”. I’m thankful for the opportunity to begin again.
- The conversation that I just had with a co-worker/mentor. Great advice and direction. Speaking out and letting people know my heart has brought me so far lately.
- All the projects that I’m working on. To have so many things I’m working on at one time keeps me excited and focused on the future. So thankful for this.
April 30, 2019
- Community. If I have one thing to be thankful for this month, it’s community.
- The amount of work and creating I’m able to do on just an iPad. The month of April really shows me this.
- The way that I’m memorizing all the worship songs that I listen to daily. The songs are becoming part of my identity.
April 29, 2019
- Water and black coffee. No sugars. No sodas. No creamer. When you fall in love with just water, and just coffee, with nothing added, drinking becomes so much easier. It’s very accessible. I love that it’s all I drink most days.
- The phone call I just had with a friend. We talked a lot about speaking voices and being motivated and my packing skills and how I pack each morning for an adventure.
- The counter in my kitchen. Huge open space with nothing on it. It’s been my new favorite place to setup. My iPad is opened ready to type, my bag is next to it, opened up, making sure I have everything for the day. Water and coffee is on the right side of it. It then becomes my standing desk. To create and plan.
April 28, 2019
- The group of friends that came with me today to visit House of Prayer. Two churches on Sunday morning, and now with a group of friends joining me, is such a great feeling.
- All the familiar faces I saw at HOP that came and said hello. I’m so thankful that I’ll be able to build new relationship with these people.
- I didn’t sleep but an hour last night, because of a recording session, but I feel full of energy today, and I feel inspired and on fire. Amazing day.
April 27, 2019
- My trip to Franklinton today. A visit to my past. I lived here once, and haven’t been back since. Going take pictures and videos of places I spent time at.
- My group text with my two childhood friends. We never see each other, but we seem to still text back and forth every day. Through the debates, and fun arguments about sports and movies, I know there’s love there.
- My morning routine of, as soon as my eyes open, I tell Siri to play worship music. And I listen for an hour or so. It changes the atmosphere of my morning.
April 26, 2019
- The conversation I had with my friend last night. It wasn’t planned. She called. I stopped by. We talked. I was able to pour into her life the way she usually does for me. The student has become the teacher.
- My plans for this weekend. Lately, all weekends have been an adventure, and this one is no different. Traveling, videos, Avengers, two churches.
- The mentors that I have in my life. As I watched a video on RightNow Media this morning, I was reminded of the older and wiser people I have in my life that I’m so thankful for: Mrs. Tracy, Mr. Bill, and Mr. Joe are the three that come to mind.
April 25, 2019
- Being back home after a few days out of town. As much fun as I have traveling, it’s always nice to get back to my normal routine.
- The Houston Rockets advanced to the second round last night. I’m thankful that Chris Paul is having another shot in the playoffs. At the root of it, I’m thankful that I enjoy watching his games so much.
- I’m thankful for seasons changing. They come and go. Moods shift. What brings contentment now, won’t work the next time. I’m thankful that with each season, I’m given new tools and perspective.
April 24, 2019
- New Orleans. People travel from around the world to see a place that is right next to me. There’s so much beauty and culture here.
- A camera. Allowing me to capture the world as I see it, and share my perspective in creative ways.
- My church and the community it’s given me on a daily basis. I’ve learned how important it is not to do life alone.
April 23, 2019
- Hanging out with Kameron yesterday, learning about his tech and toys, and him handing over his Canon camera for me to capture more stories.
- Being able to play basketball at U.N.O yesterday. No matter the city I’m in, I want to be intentional about finding a way to play basketball.
- Cody Carnes song, Nothing Else. “I’m sorry, when I’ve just gone through the motions. […] I’m sorry, when I’ve come with my agenda. I’m sorry, when I forgot that you’re enough.”
April 22, 2019
- Yesterday as a whole. Church service. Breakfast with a friend. Amazing time with my family. All the pictures. So many memories. So much joy.
- Last night’s play that I attended called, “My Redeemer Lives.” It was creative, collaborative, intense, and beautiful.
- Today is travel day for my job, for a week-long leadership conference. I’m thankful for these opportunities I’ve been given.
April 21, 2019
- Rae Lynn for letting me borrow Bob Goff’s book, Everybody Always.
- Janea for mentioning Bob Goff enough times that when I walked into Rae Lynn’s house, I saw the book and knew I needed it.
- Bob Goff for writing this book. I only read the first chapter so far, but he might be my favorite author now. “It’s given me comfort knowing we’re all rough drafts of the people we’re still becoming.”
April 20, 2019
- Elevation Worship’s new album, Paradoxology. It’s been on repeat for the past two days. It’s been my soundtrack.
- My time spent with Sariyah and Skiler yesterday. Just walking around the Houston Science Museum. Such a beautiful memory.
- My April photoblog. Slowly finishing up all the details of this month’s photoblog to release in a few days, and I’m seeing how many special moments I’ve had lately.
April 19, 2019
- These lyrics: “Can’t go back to the beginning. Can’t control what tomorrow will bring. But I know here in the middle, is the place where you promise to be.”
- GPS technology, allowing me to go on adventures without needing a paper map.
- My conversation with Ms. Robin last night. I’m learning how important it is to let people older and wiser than me speak into my life.
April 18, 2019
- My coffee meeting with JP yesterday. Iron sharpens iron. He’s someone that always pours life and wisdom into me each time we have a conversation.
- My road trip to Houston today. It’s gonna be a great weekend.
- Maple Bacon Eclairs at Mr. Ronnie’s Donuts. They currently have my heart.
April 17, 2019
- This new song I created yesterday for my brother, called Your Sobriety.
- This morning’s meeting with Chase and the two hour conversation we had about life and the upcoming projects.
- Hanging out with my friend Abigail and getting to know her better.
April 16, 2019
- My mom is coming with me to church on Easter Sunday. I’m excited to spend that time with her on a special day.
- My jacket still smells like smoke from the barn fire we had a few weeks ago, even after washing it. My first thought was upset that I couldn’t get the smell out yet, but then I realized, as I’m sitting in the office, that it brings back an amazing memory. It brings me right back to that moment with my friends.
- My MACV-1 boots. I wear them daily: for work, to church, to the beach, to climb trees, and whatever else life throws at me.
April 15, 2019
- Yesterday not going as planned, but yet turning out better than the plans could’ve ever been.
- The weekend as a whole. The most refreshing and fulfilling weekend in a long time.
- I should be finished with The Wave of Life video by tomorrow. I’ve been working on it nonstop for three days now.
April 14, 2019
- Today makes exactly one month that I’ve been making this daily list. So thankful for this project and everything it’s changed in my life.
- Spent yesterday on the beach with friends. It was perfect in so many ways.
- The music video we shot for The Wave of Life, a song from my new album.
April 13, 2019
- NBA Playoffs start today. I’ve been looking forward to this day for a long time.
- This Biloxi vacation with friends.
- Getting to spend time with my Aunt Monica and cousin Jarden the other day.
April 12, 2019
- Selima’s gift, prayer, and voice memo to me yesterday. It was beautiful.
- David’s group and dinner last night.
- My conversation with a friend by the water.
April 11, 2019
- My brother graduates drug court today. I’m so thankful for the steps he’s taken to better himself. His growth in these last two years is mind-blowing.
- His wisdom, guidance and love for everyone around him. At times, it’s easy to forget that he’s younger than me. Sometimes it feels like he’s my big brother.
- His family: Rachel, Ashton, Bentley and Petal. They are such a blessing in my life. I’m beyond thankful for each one of them.
April 10, 2019
- Rekindled friendships. The universe will bring back those who are meant to be around.
- Kristal’s recording sessions last night. She’s adding another layer to an already layered album.
- The conversations I had with my Aunt Cherri and my Nanny. Those two phone calls brought us that much closer.
April 9, 2019
- The dinner my brother cooked for us last night. Shrimp spaghetti with tortellini pasta.
- Austin Kleon’s new book, Keep Going.
- My Website. No matter the season, good or bad, I have an outlet to document my thoughts and ideas.
April 8, 2019
- Sitting and laying by the water for hours, just hanging out with my sister.
- Two new pastors poured into my life yesterday. From Ireland and House of Prayer.
- Getting to help a friend with a memorial video last night.
April 7, 2019
- My glasses that allow me to see. The world would be much different without them.
- My GR1 backpack. It’s with me every day, packed with basketball gear, an extra pair of clothes, GoPro, medicine, iPad, and more. Always ready for an adventure.
- My little sister’s text message last night, asking if she can come to church with me.
April 6, 2019
- Altina, Cameron, Kristal, Aaron, Matt, Charles, and Brandon spending the night in the studio with me last night. Magic was definitely made.
- I’m not just showing my talents anymore. I’m getting better at showing my heart. Becoming more vulnerable, and turning my weaknesses into strengths.
- All the voice memos I’ve received from people that have lost someone. There’s power in their words.
April 5, 2019
- Last night’s worship team.
- I wrote and recorded my new favorite song last night in less than an hour, right before church. I’m thankful for that speed of inspiration and execution.
- Mrs. Renee’s prayer for me. It was so simple and powerful. “Rest.”
April 4, 2019
- Tonight’s Cross Church service. Been looking forward to it all week.
- FaceTime calls with my sister Skiler and my godchild Sariyah. Even though they moved away, these video calls are now bringing us closer than ever.
- What Pastor Brandon said this morning: “He’s not letting his problems shape his view of God. He’s letting God shape his view of his problems.”
April 3, 2019
- My health. It’s easy to take it for granted. It usually takes a sickness or an injury for me to remember how blessed I am to live such a healthy physical life.
- The amount of people collaborating with me on my new album. So many gifts and testimony’s collectively on one project.
- Amanda Lindsey Cook’s album, “House on a Hill”.
April 2, 2019
- Today’s my friend Kip’s birthday. I’m thankful that he’s been in my life for almost 30 years and our closeness has never wavered. He’s family.
- My friend Matt. A brand new friendship, but feels like I’ve been knowing him for years. Perfect bond for the perfect time in my life.
- My dad’s phone calls. Every time he calls, we have a very fulfilling conversation. It’s something I look forward to so much.
April 1, 2019
- Playing one on one basketball with Pastor Brandon yesterday. First one to score wins.
- Sitting by the fire for hours with Matt and Janea last night.
- Starting the new month with excitement, peace and vision.
March 31, 2019
- The conversation I had with Mr. Kip about my Uncle Larry who passed away.
- Writing my monthly recaps each month, allowing me to reflect.
- My friend Jason, who always finds ways to be a motivator in my creative and personal life.
March 30, 2019
- All night studio session and pizza party with friends.
- My friend Janea is back home.
- Going to Nola today for a crawfish boil cook-off.
March 29, 2019
- The current peace that I’ve been having each day.
- Finished the intro to my album last night.
- Getting to spend yesterday filming and working in new office.
March 28, 2019
- How well my new album is coming together.
- My counseling session this morning.
- All the photos I captured during March.
March 27, 2019
- Last night’s beef stew and getting to try out the Walk-In Tub at Peter’s. Felt like a jacuzzi.
- Worship music.
- My new workstation in my office.
March 26, 2019
- Last night’s small group, dinner, and message at Mr. Ray’s house.
- My friend Dodi.
- The words I heard last night, “God, don’t let my pain go to waste.”
March 25, 2019
- Krista coming over to record on my new song
- Dinner with my brother. He cooked a chicken spaghetti
- Playing basketball at the Wellness center
March 24, 2019
- My conversation with Chase last night
- The peace that I have this morning
- My new office space to create
March 23, 2019
- My iPhone camera
- My SOAP guide to read/study the Bible
- My little brother’s birthday party today
March 22, 2019
- My Bible
- My friend Brittney’s wisdom and help
- Last night’s Bible Study Small Group
March 21, 2019
- Last night’s worship team at Vision Christian Center in Bourg. It was intense.
- Last night’s full moon
- Hanging out with Krista at the park under the moon, performing her acoustic songs
March 20, 2019
- My godchild, Sariyah
- The film crew from yesterday
- My GR1 backpack
March 19, 2019
- My ability to play basketball
- My iPad Pro
- Ulysses, my writing app
March 18, 2019
- The marina park on the side of my house
- The fan next to my bed
- The amount of water I get to drink
March 17, 2019
- My mom
- Mrs. Heather
- My creativity
March 16, 2019
- My sister, Skiler
- My sister, Nevaeh
- My brother, Brayden
March 15, 2019
- My house
- My blog
- My brother, Nick
March 14, 2019
- My job
- My car
- My church