Trying to Conceive, by Chelsea Breaux
Nash’s Note: This week’s guest post is from Chelsea Breaux. She opens up her heart and goes through the process of trying to have a baby while being infertile. So many of my friends have kids, so I’ve never stopped to consider what it’s like for someone who wants them, but their body isn’t cooperating. I appreciate this personal story being a part of this series. It adds a new level of depth to my guest posts.
Trying to Conceive
I was 20 years old when I got married. I had the love of my life, and I thought that nothing could stand in our way. He wanted to wait to have kids and I wanted them immediately. There was a giant hole in my heart that I thought only children could fill. I begged and pleaded that we try for a year, and if it didn’t happen, I’d back off. He agreed. I was foolish thinking that it would happen just because I want it to.
About 6 months in, I was defeated. Leonce, my husband, would try to keep me upbeat. 9 months in, I was miserable to be around. All of my friends had kids and I began to resent them. I was so angry and sad. We were fighting every day and only talking when it was necessary. When the year was almost up, Leonce and I finally sat down and waved the white flag on trying to conceive. That was the first and hardest year of our marriage. I took my emotions and stored them in a vault in my heart and threw away the key. I couldn’t process or deal with why I couldn’t have a child, so I didn’t. I lied. I told everyone that it was better this way, because we really didn’t want kids anyway. That lie cut me to my core but it’s the only way I could manage the flood of emotions that were attacking me every second.
In early 2015, all of the emotions of struggling to get pregnant came flooding back. That vault that I locked away didn’t need a key because it exploded. All of those emotions were there waiting for me like an old friend. I asked Leonce if we could try to get pregnant again. He was reluctant at first but we agreed to some boundaries and rules. If I at any point became a crazed maniac like the last time, he could pull the plug on trying to conceive, and help talk me off the ledge. It takes a special kind of man to stand by a crazy lady trying to have a baby. He is honestly the most amazing man I’ve ever met. We tried on our own that year, but when our anniversary came up in October, and we still weren’t pregnant, I brought up going to a fertility specialist. We threw the idea around but never did anything about it.
January of 2016 comes along and I decided I wanted to get together with all my friends that I had been neglecting over the years and have a party for my birthday. We got together at my favorite Thai restaurant and it was like the last 4 years never happened. They welcomed me back with love and opened arms. I didn’t know it at the time but one friend, Amie, would change my life forever. After my birthday one morning, I was bored and had this heavy weight in my chest, and I needed someone to talk to. I saw on Facebook that Amie was having a lazy day at home with the kids so I went out on a limb and asked if she wanted to have coffee. This just so happened to be the most powerful coffee date of my life. We talked like no time had passed at all and then the heavy stuff started spilling out of my mouth before I could even stop it.
I told her about the hole in my heart that I interpreted as needing children and just feeling lost. That’s when she invited me to Cross Church. I was hesitant at first, because I grew up Catholic, and I felt guilty, but going to any church was better than none. I took the leap. I got up the next morning to go to church for the first time in 5 years. What an experience.
I had never been to a more inviting and loving church. When I got home, I couldn’t explain it to Leonce. I just told him he had to experience it for himself. I raved about it all week, and come Sunday, we were going together this time. He fell in love, and I knew we had found our church home. Over the past 8 months, our lives have become so filled with love and happiness that even in the dark times of trying to conceive, we knew we had a family at church ready to support us, no matter what the test results said. We tried for six months, and in June, we decided that would be our final month. No one tells you the mind-games that comes with the medication. Every month your body thinks it’s pregnant, so every month you get excited and start dreaming about names and nursery themes . . . and then nothing. You are left with nothing. Another month of doctor visits and pills and shots. Another month of questions and concerned looks. Another month of, are you pregnant yet? And for some crazy reason you keep going back and you keep riding this carousel of insanity.
Luckily, I jumped off before it got too deep. Serving in Cross Kids has been a huge help in rebuilding my relationship with God. It showed me that I’m more than infertility. I have nieces and nephews and Godchildren that love me and show me how important I am regardless of parenthood status. The relationships I’ve built through Cross Church and serving in children’s ministry have changed my life forever. It’s so hard to put in to words the change in my life. God has showed me that I’m loved beyond my own comprehension. He has a plan for me. He knows when the timing will be right for us to start a family. Joining Cross Church and small groups has truly brought life change. Only by the grace of God and love of my church family could I share my story and know that I will be okay.
I'm Nash. I create things.
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Three things I’m thankful for.
April 18, 2019
- My coffee meeting with JP yesterday. Iron sharpens iron. He’s someone that always pours life and wisdom into me each time we have a conversation.
- My road trip to Houston today. It’s gonna be a great weekend.
- Maple Bacon Eclairs at Mr. Ronnie’s Donuts. They currently have my heart.
April 17, 2019
- This new song I created yesterday for my brother, called Your Sobriety.
- This morning’s meeting with Chase and the two hour conversation we had about life and the upcoming projects.
- Hanging out with my friend Abigail and getting to know her better.
April 16, 2019
- My mom is coming with me to church on Easter Sunday. I’m excited to spend that time with her on a special day.
- My jacket still smells like smoke from the barn fire we had a few weeks ago, even after washing it. My first thought was upset that I couldn’t get the smell out yet, but then I realized, as I’m sitting in the office, that it brings back an amazing memory. It brings me right back to that moment with my friends.
- My MACV-1 boots. I wear them daily: for work, to church, to the beach, to climb trees, and whatever else life throws at me.
April 15, 2019
- Yesterday not going as planned, but yet turning out better than the plans could’ve ever been.
- The weekend as a whole. The most refreshing and fulfilling weekend in a long time.
- I should be finished with The Wave of Life video by tomorrow. I’ve been working on it nonstop for three days now.
April 14, 2019
- Today makes exactly one month that I’ve been making this daily list. So thankful for this project and everything it’s changed in my life.
- Spent yesterday on the beach with friends. It was perfect in so many ways.
- The music video we shot for The Wave of Life, a song from my new album.
April 13, 2019
- NBA Playoffs start today. I’ve been looking forward to this day for a long time.
- This Biloxi vacation with friends.
- Getting to spend time with my Aunt Monica and cousin Jarden the other day.
April 12, 2019
- Selima’s gift, prayer, and voice memo to me yesterday. It was beautiful.
- David’s group and dinner last night.
- My conversation with a friend by the water.
April 11, 2019
- My brother graduates drug court today. I’m so thankful for the steps he’s taken to better himself. His growth in these last two years is mind-blowing.
- His wisdom, guidance and love for everyone around him. At times, it’s easy to forget that he’s younger than me. Sometimes it feels like he’s my big brother.
- His family: Rachel, Ashton, Bentley and Petal. They are such a blessing in my life. I’m beyond thankful for each one of them.
April 10, 2019
- Rekindled friendships. The universe will bring back those who are meant to be around.
- Kristal’s recording sessions last night. She’s adding another layer to an already layered album.
- The conversations I had with my Aunt Cherri and my Nanny. Those two phone calls brought us that much closer.
April 9, 2019
- The dinner my brother cooked for us last night. Shrimp spaghetti with tortellini pasta.
- Austin Kleon’s new book, Keep Going.
- My Website. No matter the season, good or bad, I have an outlet to document my thoughts and ideas.
April 8, 2019
- Sitting and laying by the water for hours, just hanging out with my sister.
- Two new pastors poured into my life yesterday. From Ireland and House of Prayer.
- Getting to help a friend with a memorial video last night.
April 7, 2019
- My glasses that allow me to see. The world would be much different without them.
- My GR1 backpack. It’s with me every day, packed with basketball gear, an extra pair of clothes, GoPro, medicine, iPad, and more. Always ready for an adventure.
- My little sister’s text message last night, asking if she can come to church with me.
April 6, 2019
- Altina, Cameron, Kristal, Aaron, Matt, Charles, and Brandon spending the night in the studio with me last night. Magic was definitely made.
- I’m not just showing my talents anymore. I’m getting better at showing my heart. Becoming more vulnerable, and turning my weaknesses into strengths.
- All the voice memos I’ve received from people that have lost someone. There’s power in their words.
April 5, 2019
- Last night’s worship team.
- I wrote and recorded my new favorite song last night in less than an hour, right before church. I’m thankful for that speed of inspiration and execution.
- Mrs. Renee’s prayer for me. It was so simple and powerful. “Rest.”
April 4, 2019
- Tonight’s Cross Church service. Been looking forward to it all week.
- FaceTime calls with my sister Skiler and my godchild Sariyah. Even though they moved away, these video calls are now bringing us closer than ever.
- What Pastor Brandon said this morning: “He’s not letting his problems shape his view of God. He’s letting God shape his view of his problems.”
April 3, 2019
- My health. It’s easy to take it for granted. It usually takes a sickness or an injury for me to remember how blessed I am to live such a healthy physical life.
- The amount of people collaborating with me on my new album. So many gifts and testimony’s collectively on one project.
- Amanda Lindsey Cook’s album, “House on a Hill”.
April 2, 2019
- Today’s my friend Kip’s birthday. I’m thankful that he’s been in my life for almost 30 years and our closeness has never wavered. He’s family.
- My friend Matt. A brand new friendship, but feels like I’ve been knowing him for years. Perfect bond for the perfect time in my life.
- My dad’s phone calls. Every time he calls, we have a very fulfilling conversation. It’s something I look forward to so much.
April 1, 2019
- Playing one on one basketball with Pastor Brandon yesterday. First one to score wins.
- Sitting by the fire for hours with Matt and Janea last night.
- Starting the new month with excitement, peace and vision.
March 31, 2019
- The conversation I had with Mr. Kip about my Uncle Larry who passed away.
- Writing my monthly recaps each month, allowing me to reflect.
- My friend Jason, who always finds ways to be a motivator in my creative and personal life.
March 30, 2019
- All night studio session and pizza party with friends.
- My friend Janea is back home.
- Going to Nola today for a crawfish boil cook-off.
March 29, 2019
- The current peace that I’ve been having each day.
- Finished the intro to my album last night.
- Getting to spend yesterday filming and working in new office.
March 28, 2019
- How well my new album is coming together.
- My counseling session this morning.
- All the photos I captured during March.
March 27, 2019
- Last night’s beef stew and getting to try out the Walk-In Tub at Peter’s. Felt like a jacuzzi.
- Worship music.
- My new workstation in my office.
March 26, 2019
- Last night’s small group, dinner, and message at Mr. Ray’s house.
- My friend Dodi.
- The words I heard last night, “God, don’t let my pain go to waste.”
March 25, 2019
- Krista coming over to record on my new song
- Dinner with my brother. He cooked a chicken spaghetti
- Playing basketball at the Wellness center
March 24, 2019
- My conversation with Chase last night
- The peace that I have this morning
- My new office space to create
March 23, 2019
- My iPhone camera
- My SOAP guide to read/study the Bible
- My little brother’s birthday party today
March 22, 2019
- My Bible
- My friend Brittney’s wisdom and help
- Last night’s Bible Study Small Group
March 21, 2019
- Last night’s worship team at Vision Christian Center in Bourg. It was intense.
- Last night’s full moon
- Hanging out with Krista at the park under the moon, performing her acoustic songs
March 20, 2019
- My godchild, Sariyah
- The film crew from yesterday
- My GR1 backpack
March 19, 2019
- My ability to play basketball
- My iPad Pro
- Ulysses, my writing app
March 18, 2019
- The marina park on the side of my house
- The fan next to my bed
- The amount of water I get to drink
March 17, 2019
- My mom
- Mrs. Heather
- My creativity
March 16, 2019
- My sister, Skiler
- My sister, Nevaeh
- My brother, Brayden
March 15, 2019
- My house
- My blog
- My brother, Nick
March 14, 2019
- My job
- My car
- My church
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