I’ve accomplished a lot in my 33 years, and I still have so many things ahead of me. When it comes to my creations and career goals, I truly am just getting started. It’s such an exciting thought, when I brainstorm on the roadmap and vision I have for the years to come. I’ll always be just getting started, because my perspective continues to evolve, while my creativity and wisdom continues to grow.
But there’s one area where I continue to run into a brick wall. It’s always the same wall. Over and over again. I’ve fallen short with attempting to start my own family. With relationships. With getting past the dating phase and the honeymoon phase, and actually building a relationship that would be considered longterm.
It’s absolutely my kryptonite—and because of how many failed attempts I’ve had, the effort I put on it with each new attempt is magnified from past attempts. It’s not that same blank canvas that my art gets to enjoy. With my art, I’m starting from scratch each time with a new idea. With dating, and going through life meeting and getting to know these people, I carry weight behind me, as if it lives in my backpack. Each ex. Each failed attempt. There’s scars there. Past memories that stick around longer than they should. Starting over is never just starting over. People matter. I don’t just forget them, and that weight stays with me as I travel on my journey.
It’s a mission that has yet to be accomplished. You can hear the intercom static, and then, someone quietly speaks. “This is passenger N33. This is attempt 1,019. We’re on planet earth, and there’s no signs of life. No partner. The mission and the connection of turning two into one is currently not available. This mission has been compromised once again. Over.”
A family is uncharted territory for me. That simple thought—a family—is too far into the distance to even spot on my radar. All I see is water, for hours, and on the horizon, I see no kind of land. Only emptiness. Sailing through the uncharted.
The process continues. The loop. Getting past the dating phase. Getting past the disagreements. Growing into something more. Knowing that we’ll still be there together after the dust settles. That’s as far as my mind travels. A family. A future. It’s hard to see that. The horizon hasn’t shown it yet. It’s just water.
I look at my current situation, with only the 50 items that I own, and only the motorbike for transportation, and the future plans I have that go even deeper into that direction—and I wonder, is this family project even aligning with where I’m headed? My trajectory is unique and it’ll continue to get harder to make those lines parallel. The vision for my life, and the vision I have for a family, they’re on opposite ends of the spectrum. I want them both, but my lifestyle tells a different story.
I’m waiting in the water, but I’m also building my own legacy along the way that isn’t technically built for a family. So when I finally reach land, by that time, will I even want to stop and make that land my home? Or will I continue sailing the uncharted? Time will tell.